Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
