they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Soap is not a condiment
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
