oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
