K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
