Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
