Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
