the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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