i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
