I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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