I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
