I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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