i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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