I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
