I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
