my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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