I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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