you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
