You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
