We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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