seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
