Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
