I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You left your phone here
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