Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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