Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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