woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
