she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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