Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
