Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
