Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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