he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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