why didn't you poke me back
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
