I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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