I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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