I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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