so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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