In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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