I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
