Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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