I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
