I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
