battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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