Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
