: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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