Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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