I haven't been this sober since birth.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
