I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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