I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
