Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
