I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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