I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
