yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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