yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
