just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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